LadyDevine Writes A Fanfic
by LadyDevine
Summary: What happens when Lady D sits down and tries to write a fan fic? Let us see...


Disclaimer: Don't own the Labyrinth, don't own David Bowie… I get to have no fun! * sob *  
  
Author's Note: This is just something that I wrote while waiting for my muse to wake up so I can finish the next chapter of "What Came Before." Any complaints, cheers or jeers can be sent to the review board, Thank you.  
  
  
  
Lady D writes a fanfic and her muses interrupt her progress.  
  
  
  
The author sits at a typewriter. It is ancient, the keys looking decrepit, and rather nicotine stained. A cigarette dangles from her lips and a frown of concentration creases her brow. "Hmmm," she says to no one in particular. The room is littered with crushed pieces of paper, and books piled high. The author doesn't seem to notice.  
  
----  
  
Jareth, his hands on hips, looked her up and down with cold eyes. "What have we here?" His voice held no mirth, only cruel intensity.  
  
----  
  
"Hey, why do I have to have "cruel intensity" can't I be excitingly sensual?" Jareth, wide eyed and hopping like a seven-year-old with a need to use the lu asks the author.  
  
"No, you have to be cruel! If you weren't cruel then you wouldn't be so alluring. Women like men that are mysterious and bad, just deal." She wonders exactly what is alluring about him at the moment, but disregards the thought and turns away.  
  
"I don't have to take this abuse!"  
  
"Yes you do! Now shut up!"  
  
-----  
  
The dark haired beauty trembles at the tone of his voice, so dark and cultured. She closes her eyes for a moment and bites her lip, afraid of what she may say, not wanting to give away to much. "I… I…" she stammers ineffectually. Words will not come.  
  
"Sarah, I am a busy man," his voice is like warm honey, dripping and flowing, the accent making her think of nocturnal things that good girls do not think of.  
  
-----  
  
"Lady D! I sound like a simpering moron!' Sarah puts her hands on her hips and looks defiantly at the author. This is too much.  
  
"Look, you have called the Goblin King, this mysterious, tyrannical but sexy man to you because you cannot stop thinking about him…" The author pauses and shoots Jareth a death glare for his smirk. "Though he is asinine and cruel and evil," adding more quietly, "and a total pansy ass, you have found your self inexplicably attracted to him."  
  
"I may be ill." Sarah pouts and sits on the floor amidst the crumbled paper. She frowns heavily. "I always have to be simpering," Sarah's voice rose an octave, "Oh, Jareth, you're so hot! Oh Jareth you make me think naughty thoughts." I mean really!"  
  
"I make you think naughty thoughts?" Jareth ask, his brows raising to his hairline. He pulled a cigarette out of the author's pack and received a slap on the hand with a resounding whack! "Ow! What was that for?"  
  
"No smoking," the author says through a plume of smoke.  
  
"You're smoking." He retorts defiantly.  
  
"If you don't behave and listen you are going to have a "I tell Sarah I am in love with her" scene in the bathroom of Wally world." The author's face shows no mirth. Apparently she is serious.  
  
"I don't see why I can't smoke if you are smoking, I know you are the author and all, but goodness."  
  
"Awe, shut up Jareth! You are going to get us both in trouble!"  
  
-----  
  
"I know, Jareth, its, just that… I…" She paused again, feeling her face warm to his stair. This was too much, he was looking at her like some interesting bit in his salad, not a person. She felt like a meal, was hoping he would make her into one, but looked down and noticed his boots and smiled.  
  
----  
  
"MAKE ME INTO A MEAL!" Sarah yelled. Her eyes were large and buggly. She looks as if she may pop out of her skin at any moment.  
  
"Oh, please, that is the least of your worries!" The author announces, snubbing out her butt. "I mean, really, have you seen some of the stuff on fanfic.net? This is nothing."  
  
"Fanfic.net?" Sarah calms visibly, but annoyance is still a bright flash on her otherwise beautiful countenance.  
  
Jareth smiles, "Yeah, they have some SERIOUSLY raunchy stuff." He laughs at her look of disapproval.  
  
"Well…" she pauses. "Really?"  
  
"Yep," the author says, turns to her computer.  
  
"You have a computer?"  
  
"Yep.'  
  
"But you use the typewriter?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Why?" Jareth and Sarah say in unison.  
  
"Because I like the noise."  
  
"Oh," once again in unison.  
  
"Here, Sarah, read this one. It's uh… a classic. " Sarah sits down next to the author and began reading. Her eyes widen. Once again she has the "buggly" look going on.  
  
Three hours later Sarah stood up and stretched. "Goodness. There are some, uh… Very interesting stories on there."  
  
"Yes ma'am," Jareth whistled softly, he eyed her up and down.  
  
Suddenly he feels the side of his face warm as the author's death glare threatens to injure his delicate features with a blast of lazer beams. He stops looking smug. "You guys are always so mean to me!" He pouts.  
  
Lady D looks at Sarah and smiles. "I rather enjoy the one where you are a dominatrix and Jareth is your… uh… whipping boy. A very… uh… stimulating story!" Lady D blushes and returns to her typewriter, hoping to find something less stimulating there.  
  
----  
  
"Sarah, what is it you have to say. I am afraid that I cannot wait for you forever." His stance was rigid, but there seemed to be something deep within his eyes.  
  
"I… Jareth… I…" she gathered her courage and announced it. "Jareth, I want to be with you." Her face turned a lovely shade of crimson, and then paled when the laughter reached her ears, and her mind recognized it for what it was. "Why are you laughing?"  
  
------  
  
"Yeah, why am I laughing? Shouldn't I jump on her or something?"  
  
The author scowls, Jareth's little boy potty dance is really getting on her nerves. He looks nervous and in need of relief, still. "Do I have to explain your motivation for EVERY line that I write for you!"  
  
"I thought he was in love with me! I mean, really, if I am having all these naughty thoughts shouldn't he at least return some of it?"  
  
"Do you people not understand a PLOT TWIST! Good grief. "  
  
Jareth pouts some more, but it doesn't work, the author has put up her cut English guy pouting shields and is ready to blast him. Anyway, his lips were far too thin for a proper pout, and his face was far to hard to the puppy dogish effect to actually work. "I just don't think laughing at her is very in character for me that's all."  
  
"Oh, and jumping on her and ripping her clothes off is?"  
  
"Yes, see?" Jareth lunges and attempts to rip Sarah's clothes off, but, she is used to his advances and kicks him squaw in the nuts. He begins to cry like Nancy Kerrigan.  
  
"Ow! You little b…"  
  
"Jareth, pink spandex!" The author roared and Jareth ran screaming from the room.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You didn't have to kick him in the nuts, I mean, the sock had to have had some padding in it. You should have gone for the knees."  
  
"I'll keep that in mine next time, a sock? Really?"  
  
"Yeah, but don't say anything, at least the spandex thing will keep him quiet for a while… Where was I? Oh yeah."  
  
-------  
  
"I am laughing because you assume that I would be swayed by your sweet words."  
  
Sarah sighed, feeling tears well up in her eyes. "I thought that you loved me too."  
  
-----  
  
"Too?"  
  
"Yes, too. You love him."  
  
"I thought that wanted to be with him… meant WITH him… not like, in love. I mean really."  
  
Lady D frowns, she was defiantly confused at this point. "Uh. So you would rather hump the Goblin King instead of being in love with him?"  
  
"Well, you know he IS a Goblin KING, and look exactly like David Bowie… I mean come on… He is a very nice looking man."  
  
The author shakes her head in disbelief. "I don't believe it… I just don't believe it. I thought that you of all people would understand that pure joy of true love, and the triumphs and tribulation that have to come about in order to realize that love." A sneaking suspicion steals over the author. "Did you kick him in the nuts because you wanted to damage… his… uh… baby producing bits?"  
  
"Yeah, well, true love is all good, but I want to have hot monkey sex with Jareth." Sarah attempts to look coy, but the author knows her well. She had been one of her muses for a long time.  
  
Lady D sighs. She has no idea how she is going to finish this thing with them nagging at her like this.  
  
----  
  
"Yes, Sarah, I love you. I would have to love you to exhaust myself as I have. You are very beautiful, and very willful. You declined my offer and I will not ask again. What is it you want from me, Sarah?"  
  
The words cut her deep, she felt as if he had been kicked in the stomach. "Sway you by sweet words? No, I meant only to tell you of how I feel, but since you are still a completely self involved son of a bit…  
  
-----  
  
"I can't say that!" Squeaks Jareth from the other room. He comes back in, laying low, avoiding feet and Sarah at all costs. "This is PG!"  
  
"Everyone said 'damn' in the movie," the author protests.  
  
"Yeah but bitch is a serious word. I mean, really."  
  
Sarah nods in agreement.  
  
"Look, bitch is a totally socially acceptable word, besides the fact that these days it is allowed on network television. FCCA and all that jazz." Lady D grabs another cigarette from her pack and tosses one to Jareth. "Since your injured you can have one." She lights hers and draws on it slowly. "Anyway…"  
  
-----  
  
"ch… I can't believe that you would say that you love me and then spurn me! This is not a fairy tale!" Tears fell down her cheeks in rivers. She was so angry, it was biting at her stomach, making her feel sick deep inside.  
  
"You can be so cruel." The words were said softly. In remorse he turned from her.  
  
-----  
  
"I CAN BE CRUEL!" Sarah's fist missed Jareth's chin by inches.  
  
"Hey! I didn't do it, blame Lady D! It's all her fault!" Jareth whines pathetically.  
  
"Lady D! I demand a rewrite! How on EARTH am I being cruel to him!" Sarah places her hands on her hips and is reading for a battle.  
  
/Western Shoot 'em up movie music starts wafting in softly/  
  
"No." The author just looks at Sarah with a raised brow. Why does this always happen to me? She wonders. No one else's muse is a giant pain in my creative ass! "I'm sorry, but there is a reason to my rhyme. I promise!"  
  
Jareth, deciding that he is growing board pulls a game boy from out of his tights, they are noticeably looser now. The author's eyebrows rise to her hairline. "Jareth! What else do you keep in there?"  
  
"Oh you know, lunch when I am on trips, extra pair of socks, my spandex quick fix kit."  
  
TBC when my muse goes on vacation again… 


End file.
